Letting go. =)

Author's note: I wrote this Tuesday, June 28, 2011 at 12:56am to be exact that is. :P To be honest this is just my way of venting my feelings. I just wanted to write how I feel. What I'm trying to say here is that if you want to be happy forgive and forget. :) It's just a friendly advice. :)

Letting go of your old stuff is hardwork. You have to go through all of the things and sort them out into stuff you wanna give away, stuff you wanna throw and things you don't want to let go go but you have to. You also have to make sure you don't throw away anything useful.

Well yes it's hardwork alright. Yesterday morning...ummm...sorry Late afternoon :P I woke up, infact my mother yelled at me to get up already beacause she wanted me to give away my books and stuff I don't use anymore. I've been planning this for a long time now but due to the overwhelming laziness I couldn't do so and the depressing emo attidue of me was no help either.

Anyway I got up to freshen up and went to offer prayers. After that grabbed a little snack for energy that I knew would be needing alot. Till then Ammi had managed to take out each and everything that was present in the shelves. There were books and papers of all kind. The room was a complete mess and to add to it the dust made the work even harder. But what had to be done was done.

The stuff was sorted into different categories:

- Books to be given away.

- Books to be sold off

- Things to be thrown away or be given to Raddi :P

- Things to that might be kept or maybe thrown.

I'm sure I had torn like thousands of useless pages that had my name or 'certain' things scribbled that I wouldn't want anyone else to see. By the time it was evening I was able to sort all the books and most of the papers were done with. Now the only stuff was left were the diaries and a few magazines that belonged to Ammi. I wanted to deal with the diaries in the end because I knew I would certainly take my time with them.

I started off with the registers that I used in the 8th and 9th grade. Apart from the different notes of school work I had written down a lot of things at different occasions. I went through the pages and found few of the poems I had written and Anne had tried to edit them (She always did that with whatever kind of writing she got from anyone). There were conversations that me and Mehreen had during the class. This was definitely going to send me in flashbacks. All the crazy scribbles of me and my friends made me relive those beautiful memories. :)

After getting done with the registers it was my diary's turn. I remembered that diary extremely well and why wouldn't I. It was the only thing that I used to find solace in during the years 2007 and 2008. They were the years in which I learned alot. That diary held the most dreaded memories [well at the time I thought they were dreaded] and somewhere some good ones too. I remember burning a few pages from that diary as well. Maybe I was caught up in the moment. :/

I opened my long lost forgotten diary and went through the writings I had once written. I wasn't too happy about reading it though because it meant that I would have flashbacks of the bad times and the memories might start to haunt me again. But maybe this was now or never. I started reading my diary and started to analyse all the things I had written. I tried to read them with an open mind and surprisingly it wasn't as bad as I thought.

What I concluded from the poems and the different writings I had written that I've grown up. While reading all those things that happened didn't matter anymore. It was the past and I have moved on and holding on to all those thoughts wouldn't do any good. I saw that letting go made everything so much easier and it made me feel good to know where I am now. :)

 When I was done reading I had torn all the pages there were and dumped them all into a plastic shopper. All that reading made me so happy. Yes...instead of making me sad and depressed it made me happy. And all the depression was starting to fade away. The only reason was that i had feelings of being blessed. I'm thankful that I'm blessed for eveything that I have and for everything that I don't. Everything happens for a reason and I'm happy that it happened. I'm happy that when I was in the dark I was able to come out. I've moved on and I'm thankful.

I'm finally able to let go of everything once and for all.

I'm glad that I had to do all that cleaning...It was surely worth it. :)

Hope...

A/N : This is an old piece of writing I found in the long lost forgotten part of my hard disk. I think this is 3 years old or something. Anyway I found it and I thought I might share it. It's just a random idea that struck me and I scribbled away. Enjoy. :)

My eyes were red and swollen from continuous crying and closing my eyes burned them even more. I was restless as I was up the whole night trying to shrug all the pain and agony out of my heart. Last night was a disaster as all the pain, misunderstandings, jealousy, ego, hatred and hopelessness assembled in one room. It was all just too much for me to handle.  

I stifled the last of my sobs as I noticed the roaring of the sky. The skies have been threatening to pour itself on this forsaken world for a couple of days now and like my heart I thought the skies couldn’t take it anymore as well. It was around 4 in the morning and as I looked out the window at the dark sky with dark clouds slowly erasing all signs of light from the sky making my room darker than it already was. 

My heart felt numb and now so did my body. All the energy from my body had been drained and I could almost faint as the world around me started spinning. I managed getting up on my feet trembling just long enough for me to retire on the bed. I lay on my back on my bed now still staring at the sky. The sky had some magnetic energy that always fascinated me and made me think about that beauty and peace exists somewhere in this world. I had no idea when slumber seeped in and I drifted into a sound sleep. 

I moaned annoyingly as the sunlight coming from my window pricked my eyes and I opened one of my eyes just a little to see it was day already. I shifted a little to see what time was and moved my eyes at my side table watch which said 2pm. I jolted up realizing that I slept in a little too much and that I had a lot of things to get to. Waking up I went ahead to do the morning rituals and once I was done I went in the kitchen to grab some breakfast. 

While preparing my breakfast I took a moment and peered out the window to see that the sunlight had dimmed a little as clouds blocked most of the intense heated rays and giving a signal that there is going to be a huge downpour. The sight made me smile and I continued with the breakfast. I felt the cool breeze entering from the window next to me and saw it was hardly drizzling. My smile went wider noticing the drizzle was gaining intensity as it was slowly turning into a full-fledged downpour. 

The temptation of going outside in the rain grew more and more and I dashed outside. My eyes were feasted with the breathtaking view. The overgrown bushes of the forest behind the boundary wall and my front lawn were dominated by the fresh green colour that I never really saw before. The flowers had raindrops on them that shone in the light and I couldn’t help but giggle at the sight. 

I was glad that no one in the neighbourhood was anywhere near the rain because I ran around like a little girl with arms wide open and the rain drenching me to bone. I giggled carefree and enjoyed the little drops rain against my face as I faced the sky. Taking in the sensation of the way rain felt against my face, my hair and my entire body. The feeling was truly something.

It amazes me how much the rain has an impact on me. At that point it made me think that rain is just another four-letter word like love. When it happens it is either happiness and joy or pain, hurt and agony. ‘Rain’ is as deep as the word ‘love’. There are series of emotion attached to it and you find yourself getting lost into. Sometimes it gives peace, sometimes it’s like a curse. Like ‘love’ feelings attached to rain are hard to define for me. 

At that thought I smiled to myself and looked at the view in front of me one more time and my eyes again started admiring the beauty my little neighbourhood contained that I never knew of. I started smiling widely and started giggling when the rain fell more fiercely and I resumed my little playing in the rain. For once since last night I felt happy genuinely. I still had an unresolved mess lingering, I still had problems and nothing changed since last night except one thing. I had hope now. I thought that whatever happened last night can still be solved, everyone can be happy again and all the misunderstandings, confrontations and unanswered questions can be dealt with. 

I realized even though the dark clouds cover the skies but they still bless us with a gift of rain. They make everything look beautiful again. There is darkness but still there is something to look forward to and the proverb fits perfectly here ‘Every cloud has a silver lining’. And it’s true it does. I smiled once again this time with tears welling up in my eyes. They weren’t the tears of sadness I had last night but they were tears of joy, because I knew that everything will be alright. I voiced the last train of thought in my head: 

“Everything will be okay after all.”